Generations

I've been thinking about the passing of generations of people recently. I lost both my grandmothers within a year of each other, the last one just last month and on both sides of my family that means the end of that generation. When I think about them and the legacy they leave behind I have a much different view of them as people than when they were alive. That seems strange! I heard someone say that the most fearful realization many people have is to find out we are viewed far differently than we see ourselves - like we've been fooling ourselves all along about who we really are.

My Grandmother Harriman was a very dry, non-emotive woman whose loves and passions were lived out in action around things, but RARELY in word to people. When she was alive I connected to her through the works of her hands - crochet, needlework, gardening etc. but I only remember being hugged by her one or two times and never heard the words "I love you". She loved to garden, watch birds, record events, facts, and the weather in her diary and was steadfast in her church attendance. She gave of her talents to others, taught Sunday School, gave to the community and stayed active until she died.

My Grandmother Lewis, on the other hand was a Nurse for many years and then retired. She was much more affectionate and I would go visit and take her to her favorite restaurant. She too passed on a love for hand crafts. She developed Macular Degeneration in her eyes and it seemed she used her eye trouble as an excuse to give up on life. In my view she died lonely and alone because she pushed all but her immediate family and her 30 year Beau away.

Steve's parents and mine are the next generation. We can only hope to be able to cherish our time with them for years to come, but I often wonder what it will be like when I can't call my Mom to tell her about the latest thing Matthew has done or hear how her life on the farm is going.

Now Steve and I are bringing another generation into the world. I don't relish the thought that my children will remember both the good and bad about me. It hurts my heart to know that I will hurt them and that the world will hurt them. The only redeeming knowledge I have is my realization that I came through ok and God has a perfect plan for my kids.

So what does this all mean? Well, I guess that I want to keep growing and learning and developing as a person until the day I die. I don't want to become stagnant and give up on living. I want my kids to be able to say that I was a joyful, giving person who loved God. This is the legacy I can work for even today.

Summer Pregnancy

So this may sound like a big complain fest, but it really is just facing reality. I am in for a long 13 weeks left in this pregnancy. I know I've said I wanted a summer baby, but I was thinking more like giving birth in May and having the rest of summer to work on getting in shape. God knows the best plan and he chose August so I must find ways to stay cool and not get grumpy. I am so thankful that I am getting the chance to birth another baby, it is just in the process I am not enjoying looking fat when so many women around me are showing off their sleek bodies as the weather gets warm. Here again is the revelation of my struggles (aka, sin) comparison, envy, dissatisfaction with my present circumstances, grumbling and complaining. So instead I will choose to enjoy the last few weeks of one-on-one time that I get to spend with my sweet Matthew and enjoy the kicks of this little one inside me. It will be all too soon that I will be in the middle of sleep depravation and other struggles to overcome.

He Knows the Days

I witnessed a fatal car accident on my way to work tonight. I was headed west on Hampden just before Federal and saw an East bound car fly up into the air, cross the median and land in a cloud of dirt and smoke on the opposite side 100 feet in front of me. It hit three other cars before it came to rest. I slammed on my brakes and pulled to the side of the road and as the dust and commotion slowed I realized I was seeing a body lying in the middle of the road. It was one of those time in my life when I realized once again how quickly my life as I know it could end. Three people were living there lives on their way to destinations and in the blink of an eye were dead. I was useless at work. I couldn't get the images out of my head. I just wanted to come home and kiss my son and husband and be thankful that today was not the day God decided to call me (and my unborn son) home to heaven. God willing, we will see another sunrise and I will meet my little Tyler Scott VanDewater.

Round and Round

Matthew loves to balance on the boards surrounding my raised flower bed and walk around and around. He holds my hand for support and falls once an a while, but climbs right back up to keep going. I thought of so many questions/analogies while I was holding his hand and circling with him. Here are just a couple.

1. How often do I go in circles with God holding my hand before I find the straight path again?
2. If I fall off my course in life do I rise to the challange and get right back up with excitement to keep going or do I stay down believing it is too scary or unsafe to continue?
3. I'm glad God never gets bored or distracted with me as I do with Matthew after a few trips around.
4. There is always a different way to view the world. I can choose to see the barriers to fun (Matthew isn't allowed to play in my garden) or I can make the most of what is in front of me and play!

It sure is a learning experience being a Mom. I have never had my relationship with Christ so paralleled (where is the spell checker on this thing) in every day life before.

The Highs and Lows

Yesterday was a fabulous spring day here in Colorado. The mountains and fields are bright green from the recent rain, the Mountains were snow capped and the only clouds hung beautifully over the mountains. It was 75 and gorgeous. I had a great cup of coffee and got to hang out with work friends at the Furry Scurry, and event sponsored by my work that raises money for a local animal shelter. Next I went to the "Spring Fling", a ladies luncheon at Centennial Church and got to actually have a conversation with my good friend Kym. We laughed a lot about the more lowly tasks of being a Mom, like cleaning up the tub after a little guy poops. (I think it's all Moms who might read the post so I can get a way with saying that.) When I got home I was surprised to find my husband taping and preping to paint the soon to be nursery so I cheerfully kept Matthew entertained and dreamed of my little guy to come.

Then came today! I'm just plain tired. Matthew got up at 6:15 and then only took a 90 minute nap. He was cranky and warranted many firm reprimands and discipline all day. He knew exactly how to push my buttons every time I turned around and I was saying sorry for my behavior. Yikes!! I had a hard time finding anything good about this day until this evening when as I was making dinner I heard the repeated laughs of my little boy playing Hide and Seek with Daddy!!! There is not a better sound in the world! Steve was attentive and listening to Matthews little voice saying "Hide Daddy, Hide here" and then the squeals as Matthew "discovered" daddy in his hiding place. My heart was bursting with pride and admiration of both my husband and son. Thank you God for moments of respite when we can get out of ourselves and see the good in others after a tough day!

Change Agents

Why is change so hard and so painful?? My biggest enemy is myself and the comfort of my sin. It is so easy to look back and see who I was compared to who I am; forgetting that it took a lot of change (and pain) to get here! I know that God doesn't want me to stay where I am, but I put up a pretty good fight sometimes. My child is showing me what a stubborn heart I have. He is so quick to say "I sorry" and give me a hug when disciplined. I compare that to the last time I said "I'm sorry" to God and to my husband and I am humbled. I don't want Matthew to learn a different way of responding because of my example. My heart has to soften and change.

Learn to Live a Little

Well, here goes nothing. I've decided to enter the world of blogging. Afterall, it might be therapeutic to see my thoughts on the screen and have them out there for the world to view. Being an introvert it is so easy for me to stay in my brain; thinking that everyone around me must know what I'm thinking since I do. I forget that I have to actually open my mouth and say the words or write them down for someone else to read. My poor husband gets this the most and I know it frustrates him since he verbalizes much more of what he's thinking.

What am I hiding from? The judgements and reactions of others!?! Why does it matter? And yet it does. My life long struggle has been to actually live my life out from under the shadow of what others might think of me. So in an effort to stretch and grow I will share my thoughts. Perhaps it is the begining of a new day!