Anniversary

Steve and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary on Saturday. We went up to Evergreen for dinner and a walk around the lake. God gave us the gift of seeing some Elk and a beautiful sunset. Then on Sunday we drove up to Mt. Evans to Echo Lake and had a picnic. Matthew had a blast throwing rocks in the water and watching the Mama and 8 baby ducks swim all around. He had fishing pole envy as another little guy about his age was going fishing. We'll have to remedy that sometime soon. Nothing makes my heart sing more than to be out enjoying God's beautiful creation here in Colorado.

Masks

Everybody is original, if he tells the truth, if he speaks from himself. But it must be from his true self and not from the self he thinks he should be. (Brenda Ueland)

I found this quote on a fellow blogger's website. It is so easy to get caught up in the self I think I should be instead of the real me. I so want to live from true authenticity. I believe it is the only way to really show Jesus and to teach my child(ren) how to be really in love with Jesus. It is not the mask that Jesus loves, but the person behind the mask. The one with the age spots and crows lines from too much sun. The one who weaps and laughs, feels angry or excited, gets "nothing" done or checks off all the "to do" list items. That is the person Jesus loves.

Real "Motherly Love" Defined

I copied this from my friend Lisa. Thanks Lis!!

1 Corinthians 13 for Mothers

This was written by Jean Fleming, author of "A Mother's Heart."

If I keep my house immaculately clean and am envied by all for my interior decorating but do not show love in my family - I'm just another housewife.

If I'm always producing lovely things - sewing, art; if I always look attractive and speak intelligently, but am not loving to my family - I am nothing.

If I'm busy in community affairs, teach Sunday school and drive in the carpool but fail to give adequate love to my family - I gain nothing.

Love changes diapers, cleanse up messes and ties shoes - over and over again.

Love is kind, though tired and frazzled.

Love doesn't envy another wife - one whose children are "spaced" better or in school so she has time to pursue her own interests.

Love doesn't try to impress others with my abilities or knowledge as a mother.

Love doesn't scream at the kids.

Love doesn't feel cheated because I didn't get to do what I wanted to do today - sew, read, soak in a hot tub ...

Love doesn't lose my temper easily.

Love doesn't assume that my children are being naughty just because their noise level is irritating.

Love doesn't rejoice when other people's children misbehave and make mine look good.

Love is genuinely happy when others are honored by their children.

Thankful Heart

I've been feeling like I'm just going through the motions lately while caring for my family and working. My reading has consisted of "Curious George" and "So that's what they're for"- about breasfeeding so I don't feel like I have a lot to say. But after reading a couple other people's blogs tonight I was reminded that it is the little things in everyday life that are worth being thankful for and I decided it was worth taking the time to record some of those moments.

1. Matthew's giggle
2. Finding a new park to explore
3. Reading books to Matthew and hearing - read it again
4. Watching Steve grow through hard times
5. Rain followed by rainbows
6. Seeing God meet our needs
7. Watching Matthew chase squirrels in the back yard
8. Quick and easy dinner recipes
9. Strawberry Shortcake
10. Hearing Matthew pray "Dear Jesus....Amen"
11. Pillows...I sleep with 4 right now!
12. Nap time - for Matthew and Mommy!
13. Tissues - Matthew gave me his cold.
14. A husband who works hard to provide for his family. (not so little and always worth listing)
15. Flowers in all forms.

For these and many more I am thankful. I know I am richly blessed and it is always good to cultivate a thankful heart.

The Countdown

My countdown has begun!! I'm 30 weeks pregnant and I can't seem to escape the heat. We have had 12 days straight of over 90 degree weather and this week's forecast is more of the same. There are aspects of pregnancy I like - feeling the baby move, a buxom figure, special attention. But this time around it just feels like a lot more work and there are more things that I don't like - backaches, not being able to sleep, swollen fingers, heartburn, not being able to move to keep up after my 2 1/2 year old DS, special attention, mood swings. So I am seriously praying that his little guy decides that he wants to come about a week early. Steve and I have decided that this will be the last baby so I am trying hard to relish the chance to feel a living being growing and moving inside me, but I have to admit that it is becoming more difficult.

I was feeling very anxious yesterday - not sure what that was about. I am not normally an anxious person. In fact the only other time in my life that I have had an anxiety attack was during the first week after Matthew was born. I really don't want to go through that again as it was pure torture for me. Pregnancy, labor and delivery were all better or the same as I expectated - it was after he was born that I was unprepared for. I think the hardest thing is that I don't feel like there is anything I can do to "guarantee" that I won't have the same postpartum experience as I did with Matthew. There are so many variables that I have no control over and can't do any preparation for - hormones, Steve's emotional state, Matthew's response, lack of sleep. It is so hard for me to let go of all that, but I know I need to lay it all at Jesus' feet and at least not let the anxiety of all that creep in on me now. Fortunately God has provided some very good girlfriends who I know I can call anytime for support and encouragement and I know He will be with me no matter how joyful or terrified I feel.

I guess I better get to bed, I'm going to regret staying up this late when Matthew wakes me up in the morning.

Remarkable Obituary

This was forwarded to me from my sister.

We mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense. Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. - Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Joy in the Journey

I returned Monday from a five day trip to Eastern WA to attend my brother's wedding. It was a very simple, country wedding held in my parent's yard with Bo (Shelley's basset hound) serving as the ring bearer - literally! I was the unofficial photographer and wedding coordinator for the day and was quite comfortable in the roles since I only knew the family members in attendance. Scott and Shelley have been together for 10 years so it seemed a little anti-climatic to go back to their house for the post-reception reception, but it is nice to finally be able to call Shelley my sister-in-law instead of my brother's girlfriend.

It was great to see my family and to continue to try to re-build a relationship with my sister. They all were trying to "sell" me on moving to Eastern WA to live to be close to the rest of the family, but I just can't see myself living so deep in farm country. I have grown very accustomed to the convenience of being 20 minutes from anything I need and still be able to get to the hills and forest in a short drive. They call me a "city girl", which compared to where they all live, is probably true, but I still don't think of myself that way. My spirit is still revived more from a visit to the woods than a visit to the mall.

I returned home exhausted. I never imagined that traveling when 7 months pregnant could be that tiring. Now I will concentrate on the day-to-day chores and getting my to-do list done before the baby comes, but in it all I will look for the Joy in the Journey and enjoy each day for what God has given in abundance.

Generations

I've been thinking about the passing of generations of people recently. I lost both my grandmothers within a year of each other, the last one just last month and on both sides of my family that means the end of that generation. When I think about them and the legacy they leave behind I have a much different view of them as people than when they were alive. That seems strange! I heard someone say that the most fearful realization many people have is to find out we are viewed far differently than we see ourselves - like we've been fooling ourselves all along about who we really are.

My Grandmother Harriman was a very dry, non-emotive woman whose loves and passions were lived out in action around things, but RARELY in word to people. When she was alive I connected to her through the works of her hands - crochet, needlework, gardening etc. but I only remember being hugged by her one or two times and never heard the words "I love you". She loved to garden, watch birds, record events, facts, and the weather in her diary and was steadfast in her church attendance. She gave of her talents to others, taught Sunday School, gave to the community and stayed active until she died.

My Grandmother Lewis, on the other hand was a Nurse for many years and then retired. She was much more affectionate and I would go visit and take her to her favorite restaurant. She too passed on a love for hand crafts. She developed Macular Degeneration in her eyes and it seemed she used her eye trouble as an excuse to give up on life. In my view she died lonely and alone because she pushed all but her immediate family and her 30 year Beau away.

Steve's parents and mine are the next generation. We can only hope to be able to cherish our time with them for years to come, but I often wonder what it will be like when I can't call my Mom to tell her about the latest thing Matthew has done or hear how her life on the farm is going.

Now Steve and I are bringing another generation into the world. I don't relish the thought that my children will remember both the good and bad about me. It hurts my heart to know that I will hurt them and that the world will hurt them. The only redeeming knowledge I have is my realization that I came through ok and God has a perfect plan for my kids.

So what does this all mean? Well, I guess that I want to keep growing and learning and developing as a person until the day I die. I don't want to become stagnant and give up on living. I want my kids to be able to say that I was a joyful, giving person who loved God. This is the legacy I can work for even today.

Summer Pregnancy

So this may sound like a big complain fest, but it really is just facing reality. I am in for a long 13 weeks left in this pregnancy. I know I've said I wanted a summer baby, but I was thinking more like giving birth in May and having the rest of summer to work on getting in shape. God knows the best plan and he chose August so I must find ways to stay cool and not get grumpy. I am so thankful that I am getting the chance to birth another baby, it is just in the process I am not enjoying looking fat when so many women around me are showing off their sleek bodies as the weather gets warm. Here again is the revelation of my struggles (aka, sin) comparison, envy, dissatisfaction with my present circumstances, grumbling and complaining. So instead I will choose to enjoy the last few weeks of one-on-one time that I get to spend with my sweet Matthew and enjoy the kicks of this little one inside me. It will be all too soon that I will be in the middle of sleep depravation and other struggles to overcome.

He Knows the Days

I witnessed a fatal car accident on my way to work tonight. I was headed west on Hampden just before Federal and saw an East bound car fly up into the air, cross the median and land in a cloud of dirt and smoke on the opposite side 100 feet in front of me. It hit three other cars before it came to rest. I slammed on my brakes and pulled to the side of the road and as the dust and commotion slowed I realized I was seeing a body lying in the middle of the road. It was one of those time in my life when I realized once again how quickly my life as I know it could end. Three people were living there lives on their way to destinations and in the blink of an eye were dead. I was useless at work. I couldn't get the images out of my head. I just wanted to come home and kiss my son and husband and be thankful that today was not the day God decided to call me (and my unborn son) home to heaven. God willing, we will see another sunrise and I will meet my little Tyler Scott VanDewater.

Round and Round

Matthew loves to balance on the boards surrounding my raised flower bed and walk around and around. He holds my hand for support and falls once an a while, but climbs right back up to keep going. I thought of so many questions/analogies while I was holding his hand and circling with him. Here are just a couple.

1. How often do I go in circles with God holding my hand before I find the straight path again?
2. If I fall off my course in life do I rise to the challange and get right back up with excitement to keep going or do I stay down believing it is too scary or unsafe to continue?
3. I'm glad God never gets bored or distracted with me as I do with Matthew after a few trips around.
4. There is always a different way to view the world. I can choose to see the barriers to fun (Matthew isn't allowed to play in my garden) or I can make the most of what is in front of me and play!

It sure is a learning experience being a Mom. I have never had my relationship with Christ so paralleled (where is the spell checker on this thing) in every day life before.

The Highs and Lows

Yesterday was a fabulous spring day here in Colorado. The mountains and fields are bright green from the recent rain, the Mountains were snow capped and the only clouds hung beautifully over the mountains. It was 75 and gorgeous. I had a great cup of coffee and got to hang out with work friends at the Furry Scurry, and event sponsored by my work that raises money for a local animal shelter. Next I went to the "Spring Fling", a ladies luncheon at Centennial Church and got to actually have a conversation with my good friend Kym. We laughed a lot about the more lowly tasks of being a Mom, like cleaning up the tub after a little guy poops. (I think it's all Moms who might read the post so I can get a way with saying that.) When I got home I was surprised to find my husband taping and preping to paint the soon to be nursery so I cheerfully kept Matthew entertained and dreamed of my little guy to come.

Then came today! I'm just plain tired. Matthew got up at 6:15 and then only took a 90 minute nap. He was cranky and warranted many firm reprimands and discipline all day. He knew exactly how to push my buttons every time I turned around and I was saying sorry for my behavior. Yikes!! I had a hard time finding anything good about this day until this evening when as I was making dinner I heard the repeated laughs of my little boy playing Hide and Seek with Daddy!!! There is not a better sound in the world! Steve was attentive and listening to Matthews little voice saying "Hide Daddy, Hide here" and then the squeals as Matthew "discovered" daddy in his hiding place. My heart was bursting with pride and admiration of both my husband and son. Thank you God for moments of respite when we can get out of ourselves and see the good in others after a tough day!

Change Agents

Why is change so hard and so painful?? My biggest enemy is myself and the comfort of my sin. It is so easy to look back and see who I was compared to who I am; forgetting that it took a lot of change (and pain) to get here! I know that God doesn't want me to stay where I am, but I put up a pretty good fight sometimes. My child is showing me what a stubborn heart I have. He is so quick to say "I sorry" and give me a hug when disciplined. I compare that to the last time I said "I'm sorry" to God and to my husband and I am humbled. I don't want Matthew to learn a different way of responding because of my example. My heart has to soften and change.

Learn to Live a Little

Well, here goes nothing. I've decided to enter the world of blogging. Afterall, it might be therapeutic to see my thoughts on the screen and have them out there for the world to view. Being an introvert it is so easy for me to stay in my brain; thinking that everyone around me must know what I'm thinking since I do. I forget that I have to actually open my mouth and say the words or write them down for someone else to read. My poor husband gets this the most and I know it frustrates him since he verbalizes much more of what he's thinking.

What am I hiding from? The judgements and reactions of others!?! Why does it matter? And yet it does. My life long struggle has been to actually live my life out from under the shadow of what others might think of me. So in an effort to stretch and grow I will share my thoughts. Perhaps it is the begining of a new day!